im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
