so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
