i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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