Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
