I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
