omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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