I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
