There is no way he is gay with that hair.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Four minutes until I can fart!
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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