I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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