put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
