I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
