Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize