it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
