and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You are the jesus of drinking
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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