Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
