If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
