i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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