you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
the day after is always just damage control
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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