Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
