I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
