In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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