Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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