I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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