i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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