The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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