shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
