Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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