i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize