I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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