This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
