i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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