I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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