im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We're using joints as your birthday candles
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
