don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
