the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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