just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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