Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
