I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
