its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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