I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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