my phone needs a breathalizer
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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