I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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