I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
