oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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