I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Sext me about skeletons
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
