i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
