I never want to see another naked old woman again.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
