This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
