I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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