im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
