Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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