there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize