I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
