My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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